dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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