That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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