while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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