I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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