Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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