right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
