the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
