i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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