What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
