Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
