i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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