I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he thought i was a dude.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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