The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
