John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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