I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
