yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
