Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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