True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
