I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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