People in love make me want to vomit
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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