Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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