Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
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I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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