Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
