Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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