In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have aggressive nipples.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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