It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
