my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
