It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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