I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
high people should be assigned attendants
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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