She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
