Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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