The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
