what day is it and did you see me today?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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