The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
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Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.