I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.