Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
