It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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