I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
