oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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