I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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