sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
