Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
