i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
