can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You took a bar mat shot.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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