Don't make out with my wife yet
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
