I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's allergic to latex.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.