At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The pigeons can smell the fear
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome