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I got chris browned last night
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
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