i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.