I can't breathe out the right side of my face
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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