my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
