he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
