I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
false alarm, still single
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
