just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
