So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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