um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the liver wants what the liver wants
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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