Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
