mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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