So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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