two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
