So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
